“In order to be involved in the world in a healthy way, you have to have healthy relationships.” Poet Haki Madhubuti “Brain about to burst at the seams of unspoken thoughts. Two people, each in their own eyesight, blameless. Although confessing in hindsight, better choices could have made conflict unnecessary.” Poet Carolyn K. Erwin
Rodney Peete and Holly Robinson Peete (Getty Photos)
Nowadays, it seems that more people are looking for love in all the wrong places, for all the wrong reasons, and as a result, winding up with the wrong people in their lives. In my previous article, “Lovesick: how to make your relationship work for you,” I talked about what it takes to have a meaningful and lasting relationship. In this article, I talk about what you can do to begin cultivating a healthy relationship.
The foundation for a healthy relationship begins with you. For starters, ask yourself the following questions (Later, the same or similar questions may be asked of the other person):
1.What do I want from a relationship? (List your top five) 2. What do I want my life to be now and in the future? 3. What are my five best and worst qualities that I bring to a relationship? 4. In thinking about a potential partner, what are my “must haves” and “can’t stands”? 5. In a relationship, what are my likes and dislikes? (Consider any qualities, behaviors or character traits you would want in the other person)
If you’ve been honest with yourself, you should now know a lot more about what you need and want in a relationship. And more important, you should have a better picture of the type of man or woman who would potentially be a compatible match for you. Sometimes, however, a poor self-image or other dysfunctional inclination, will cause you to be attracted (sometimes repeatedly) to someone who is emotionally, psychologically or an otherwise unhealthy choice for you. If this sounds like you, consider this advice from relationship coach, Dr. Amy Johnson . First recognize the problem, then take deliberate steps to change the pattern of behavior that leads to it. Depending on the extent of the problem, it may require that you seek professional help. There is no shame in that. The object is for you to be healthy so that you can attract healthy relationships.
If you are spiritually minded, the Bible also has much to say, in general, on the subject of relationships; and the book of Proverbs offers specific advice on relationships of the heart. “Listen to counsel and receive instruction that you may be wise in your latter days" (Proverbs 19:20). In hindsight, how many would be willing to admit that your relationships might have turned out differently if only you had followed this path? Well, knowing what you know now, it’s not too late to start over.
“A wife must put her husband first. This is her duty as a follower of the Lord. A husband must love his wife and not abuse her." Colossians 3:18-19 CEV
After year-long rumors of a marital split, Baltimore-born actress Jada Pinkett-Smith and actor Will Smith are finally speaking out. Both gave recent, albeit separate, interviews publicly denying the tabloid reports that they are divorcing. What a relief. To their many fans, Will and Jada are publicly the perfect couple. If they can’t make it, who can? In today’s culture, it’s getting harder to find a true, meaningful, lasting relationship, let alone to maintain it. Surprisingly, after 37 years of steady increase, the rate of divorce in America is finally decreasing. But not because relationships are getting better; it's because fewer couples are getting married. Instead, more couples are choosing the less legally binding, non-committed arrangement of living together. Added to this is the fact that the number of young, single, unwed mothers has risen sharply in recent years. According to a recent New York Times article, more than half of births to American women under 30 occur outside marriage. In the words of Bob Dylan, Times they are a changin .
What is a love starved, lovesick man or woman to do in light of such grim prospects for the perfect hook-up? Certainly, the 70's mantra “love the one you’re with” is not the answer. Forget Cinderella and Prince Charming. Get your head out of the clouds and come back to reality. If you want a good relationship, you've got to work for it and work at it. Animals copulate, humans commit. God's highest and best intention when he created man and woman was for them to be joined together as one flesh. But before there can be oneness there must be wholeness. Wholeness is when two complete individuals come together in relationship and embrace the totality of what they can be as a couple. Before you try to couple with someone else, first get to know who YOU are. Go deep. Engage in some introspection and soul searching. Explore all the aspects of your being. Know what you want your life to be regardless of whether you are coupled or not.
In most cases, in order to get the most out of the experience, you'll need to engage in exploratory relationships to learn what you like and don't like; and to get the feedback you need from others. A word of wisdom. So as not to cloud your judgement or distort your perspective, it would be advisable for you not to engage in pre-marital sex as part of relationship exploration. Don't give in to a moment's desire and ruin your chance at future happiness. As Polonius advised his son, Laertes in Shakespeare's Hamlet: “This above all, to thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." What Polonius is saying is "[be] loyal to your own best interests." Relationships fail when one party (or both) gives more or settles for less than he or she deserves; or lowers his or her personal standards for the sake of being in the relationship.
A problem arises when we enter relationships without really knowing the other person or what we want out of the relationship. Initially, we may be attracted to the obvious---good (acceptable) looks, sex, money, intelligence, sense of humor, job, potential, how we’re treated---these qualities are part of the attractiveness, but may not survive past the “glow” phase. The “glow” phase being that brief period (usually 6 to 12 months if that long) during the early stages of a relationship when both sides are on their best behavior. Through rose colored glasses, anything he or she does or says looks good. The obvious red flags are largely ignored, excused, or swept under the rug for the sake of getting along. And in the language of avoidance, "Let's move on" becomes a learned way of dealing with conflict only to have it resurface at some point in the future. Unresolved conflict poisons relationships.
When this happens, it is only a matter of time before the big reveal....that's when you find yourself in a relationship with someone you really don’t know or even worse, discover you don’t really like. Tina Turner's anthem, “What’s love got to do with it,” celebrates a kind of incidental, superficial love that lacks any hope of permanence. The song, which was a huge hit for Turner, ushered in the New Age concept of love and commitment., which differs greatly from what the Bible teaches us about love. Some relationships start out with a romantic ideal but soon the harsh realities take their toll; and the relationship begins to slowly unravel. If you are in an unhappy relationship, there is help for you. If you are now or have ever been a victim of an abusive relationship, there is help for you.
So what’s a woman or man, girl or boy to do to avoid the pitfall of relationship hell? Once again, it starts with you. Create a list of your best and worst qualities, along with a list of your likes and dislikes. Relationship expert, Dr. Neal Clark Warren, founder of EHarmony, calls them your “must haves and can’t stands.” Imagine how clear your choice of mate would be if only you decided in advance what you need and want in your relationships and what you don’t need and don’t want. Using food as an example, if you "can't stand" avocado you are unlikely to ever buy it, be attracted to it or be enticed by it. As for "must haves," if you know that milk is something you must have before going to bed each night you will make a deliberate effort to always keep it on hand.
But there are deeper, more fundamental issues that should be addressed beforehand because of their long-term consequences for the relationship. Issues such as communication, emotional maturity, compatibility, stability, work ethic, family and criminal background, and health to name a few. Add whatever else may be important to you. Write down your “must haves” and “can’t stands” under each category. Use these as a yardstick for measuring potential relationship choices. For example, if you can’t stand cigarette smoke, don’t choose someone who smokes.
Getting someone to quit an undesirable habit is a lot harder than choosing to be in relationship with someone who doesn’t have the behavior you object to. Or if you are a “feelings” kind of person and expressing feelings is a must have for you don’t choose someone who is emotionally unavailable (unable or afraid to express feelings). It will only lead to untold frustration and unhappiness for both of you. A final word of advice about your list. Establish a priority ranking of the items on your list so that most of what's important to you is at the top in the event you have to compromise on some of the lesser qualities that may not necessarily be deal breakers. Remember, you can't change anyone, but God can. In the end, relationships all come down to this,
Serenity Prayer
God grant me
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
“When Jesus Christ is free to live His life through us, He will touch the lives of those around us.” ---Jerry Wiles from his book, No Greater Joy (Whitaker House, 2010)
Be careful when you say to God, “Lord, use me.”For surely, this is one prayer that he will answer, and in ways you’d least expect.My “use me” prayer has resulted in an open door to minister and evangelize this year at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London, England.People from all nations will converge on this city, thinking they’re coming for the games, and will hear the gospel---some for the first time.
My journey to London started in Nashville, Tennessee in February at the National Religious Broadcasters Convention (NRB) where I met Bill Alexson. It was one of those divine appointments that only God could arrange. I did not know when I sat down at his table that Bill was my connection to the organization that God would use to send me to the Olympics.Alexson, a former pro- basketball player and NBA chaplain, is the founder of Baltimore based Sportspower International (www.sportspower.org), a sports ministry that uses athletics to attract today’s youth with positive role models and motivational messages from well known Christian pro-athletes like Julius Erving, Dwight Howard and Olympian Carl Lewis. Alexson travels the world organizing exhibition games, sports clinics and youth rallies featuring former and current pro-basketball players. The Bible teaches that God “orders our steps and directs our paths.”Out of all the other tables where I could have sat down, I firmly believe that the Holy Spirit directed me to Bill’s table so that He [God] could use Bill to point me in the direction of the organization that is enabling me to go to London to evangelize this summer.
What a blessing for me to have been selected byLay Witnesses for Christ International to be a member of the outreach teams that they will send to London from July 25 to August 14. Each day of the Olympic Games, we will hold evangelistic events all over the city. Some events will include Olympic athletes; some will include the many terrific ministers, musicians, entertainers, pastors, prior Olympic champions, world-class athletes and more. Events will occur in various locations, most happening at host churches who have partnered with LWFCI. I look forward to the many opportunities (divine appointments) that God will provide for us to share the life saving message of Christ.Being able to go on the mission field is truly an answer to my prayer.
Lay Witnesses for Christ International, founded some 35 years ago by Dr. Sam Mings, has been a huge presence at the past seven summer Olympiads from Los Angeles to Beijing. Like many Christian mission organizations, Lay Witnesses for Christ International requires team members to raise their own support to pay for the expenses of the mission trip. I need the help of willing donors like you in order to participate in this remarkable opportunity. Please consider making a one-time charitable donation of any amount toward the $4,000 (US) I need for the trip to London. To donate, please go to Lay Witnesses for Christ International'swebsite, to donate using a credit card. Please indicate that your donation is for "Carolyn Johnson in London." You may also send a check donation directly to Carolyn Johnson c/o Siloam Baptist Church, 1329 Willow Street, Norristown, Pa 19406. If you need assistance, contact Lay Witnesses for Christ International Missions Director Luis Gomez at 817-284-9874 or via email luis.gomez1@sbcglobal.net .
As a supporter, you'll receive God's special blessing, and my daily London blog with pictures to keep you abreast of what God is doing in that city. Finally, if you’ve ever considered taking a mission trip, this is your opportunity.There are many reputable organizations like Lay Witnesses for Christ International that could use you.
I remember when I first heard the song, "The Greatest Love of All" sung by one of the most gifted singers of all time, the late Whitney Houston. I embraced the words of that song like it was a personal anthem. The song was written by Philadelphia native Linda Creed in 1977. It talks about strength and courage in the face of struggle. At the time she wrote it, Creed was battling breast cancer that eventually took her life. She was 36. In all the recent tributes and talk about Houston's musical legacy, this song is often mentioned among her greatest. But I wonder if it really deserves the praise it receives.
Every body's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me
I decided long ago never to walk in any one's shadow
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
The song ends with this refrain,
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
Is the greatest love of all
Technically speaking, it's a beautifully crafted song. However, my problem is with the message that it conveys. This song encourages you to think more highly of yourself than you should, and also, only of yourself. It invites you to be selfish and self-centered to the exclusion of all others. Isn't that what's wrong with the culture today? We have become more selfish and self-centered. Whitney Houston lived these lyrics to the hilt and it killed her. I, too, took those lyrics to heart 35 years ago and it nearly killed me. The difference is, in the midst of my madness I found Jesus, the greatest lover of them all, who died for my sins to save my soul. God's love pulled me back from the brink of destruction. His love is the greatest love of all.
Nowhere is love illustrated, demonstrated and celebrated more than in the holy Bible. There we read about God's love for the world, for mankind, for us individually, and for the church. And we learn what true, genuine, unconditional love is. This kind of love is lacking in the world, and in so much of our lives today. You won't find it in a Valentine card, flowers or a box of candy. These things are nice to give and to get. Romantic love is temporary (here today, gone tomorrow), but God's love is eternal (everlasting). So sad that in her brief, tumultuous life, Whitney Houston never found anyone or anything to fulfill her needs ---not Bobby Brown, not drugs, not alcohol, not fame, not fortune. That empty place in our hearts can only be filled by Jesus Christ. Salvation is a process whereby your life changes over time as you allow the Holy Spirit to produce his fruit in you. None of us is perfected yet. We all have flaws that we wish we didn't have. And some of us still sin even after accepting Christ. But our God, by His grace, mercy and love, still offers us the opportunity to be reconciled to Him through Jesus Christ. Now if that isn't the greatest love of all, I don't know what is.
At the close of every year, I take some time to reflect on the preceding 12 months of my life with an eye toward making changes in the coming year. This annual ritual of introspection helps me determine my "life theme" for the new year. This year, I have chosen "Put up or shut up" as my life theme because of my tendency to procrastinate. No doubt you've heard this expression before, perhaps, even said it yourself. Put up or shut up is a no nonsense expression, which denotes that some action is needed to resolve the issue at hand. In essence, Put up or shutup means either do what you've been talking about or stop talking about it; either take steps to change a situation or stop complaining about it. I like the intent behind Put up or shut up because it leaves no room for procrastination.
How many of us have fallen into the trap of procrastination? Procrastination is one of those temptations common to man and woman (1Cor10:13). It first starts as a tendency to put off everyday things like cleaning, paying off debts, making household repairs, exercising, or losing weight. But it doesn't stop there. At work or school, putting off becomes a habit resulting in missed deadlines, failure to complete projects on time and sub par performance. When fully ingrained, procrastination can attack the spiritual dimension causing a putting off or neglect of spiritual things like daily personal devotions, prayer, bible study, witnessing, and in the case of the unbeliever, even salvation (Heb 2:3). Procrastinators buy the lie that there will always be time to do it later ("I'll get back to it at SOME point."). But it never happens or when it does happen, it is often too late.
The Bible warns that procrastination in all forms has deadly consequences in eternity. It refers to procrastinators as "slothful and sluggards." A slothful person is "a loose, undisciplined person"; while a sluggard is just plain "lazy". Consider this illustration based on Eccl 10:18:
"A little slothfulness evolves into much slothfulness. It is habit-forming. When there is much slothfulness, things remain undone and the house itself starts to fall apart, decaying for lack of care while the sloth is out having fun or sleeping. If nobody steps forward to fix things in the moment, the house of the sloth decays. His responsibilities fall on everybody but him."
Like a decaying building, our spiritual house suffers decay when we put off and neglect those spiritual disciplines (i.e. personal devotions, prayer, bible study, witnessing) that are necessary in order to grow and to remain strong in the faith. I hear people say all the time, "I wish I knew the Bible better" or "I wish I could quote it" or "I wish I could pray like so and so" or "I've been thinking about joining a ministry but..." [What's stopping you?] Then there is the unsaved procrastinator who hears the gospel and says, "Sounds like me, but I'm not ready yet. Besides, I've got plenty of time." Sooner or later, procrastinators run out of time. Someone once said, "Ain't nothing to it but to do it." So if this sounds like you, or is you, don't procrastinate. Confess it. With God's help make the choice to "Put up or shut up in 2012.
If there's one thing I hate more than anything it's moving. Packing up years of accumulated stuff and moving it across town, across country, to another state or as in this most recent case, to another cubicle at my workplace just doesn't appeal to me. In the short time I've been on my job, I've been asked to move five times within the same large, open floor plan. Needless to say, I took this latest uprooting hard mostly because I was comfortable where I was.
I had got use to being there. I was friendly with my cubicle mate, liked the limited view from the nearby window and it was close to the bathroom. Then somebody got the bright idea to move us around...AGAIN! Reluctantly, I arrived at my newly assigned digs loaded down with boxes and determined not to like it. At this point I couldn't see any positives. And to make matters worse, I was thrown in with a new group of co-workers who I pegged as "younger, louder and most unfriendly." There was no way I had anything in common with this bunch, nor did I ever think I would. Right now, you're probably thinking that I'm a real SNOB without the "N." But wait, before you judge me prematurely, read on. It gets better.
As I sat there stewing in my own stubborn juices, the Holy Spirit spoke these words to my heart: "Jesus wasn't comfortable either when he hung on that cross for you. He wasn't comfortable when his accusers spit in His face...wasn't comfortable when the soldiers beat him with cords...wasn't comfortable when they forced Him to carry a heavy cross...wasn't comfortable when the people mocked him as He was dying... wasn't comfortable when the soldiers stabbed Him in his side...wasn't comfortable when his tongue swelled in his mouth from thirst...wasn't comfortable as he struggled to breathe his last breath for you and me." Wow, that really got my attention.
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed by guilt and shame realizing now that my present discomfort couldn't even compare to what Jesus had suffered not only for me, but for the whole world. The words of Isaiah 53:5 came back to me: "But because of our sins he was wounded, beaten because of the evil we did. We are healed by the punishment he suffered, made whole by the blows he received (GNV)." Leave it to God to put things in their proper perspective, and us in our proper place...at the foot of the uncomfortable Cross of Calvary. Followers of Christ are not called to a life of ease but to a life of service, even if it means giving up some creature comforts.
