After year-long rumors of a marital split, Baltimore-born actress Jada Pinkett-Smith and actor Will Smith are finally speaking out. Both gave recent, albeit separate, interviews publicly denying the tabloid reports that they are divorcing. What a relief. To their many fans, Will and Jada are publicly the perfect couple. If they can’t make it, who can? In today’s culture, it’s getting harder to find a true, meaningful, lasting relationship, let alone to maintain it. Surprisingly, after 37 years of steady increase, the rate of divorce in America is finally decreasing. But not because relationships are getting better; it's because fewer couples are getting married. Instead, more couples are choosing the less legally binding, non-committed arrangement of living together. Added to this is the fact that the number of young, single, unwed mothers has risen sharply in recent years. According to a recent New York Times article, more than half of births to American women under 30 occur outside marriage. In the words of Bob Dylan, Times they are a changin .What is a love starved, lovesick man or woman to do in light of such grim prospects for the perfect hook-up? Certainly, the 70's mantra “love the one you’re with” is not the answer. Forget Cinderella and Prince Charming. Get your head out of the clouds and come back to reality. If you want a good relationship, you've got to work for it and work at it. Animals copulate, humans commit. God's highest and best intention when he created man and woman was for them to be joined together as one flesh. But before there can be oneness there must be wholeness. Wholeness is when two complete individuals come together in relationship and embrace the totality of what they can be as a couple. Before you try to couple with someone else, first get to know who YOU are. Go deep. Engage in some introspection and soul searching. Explore all the aspects of your being. Know what you want your life to be regardless of whether you are coupled or not.
In most cases, in order to get the most out of the experience, you'll need to engage in exploratory relationships to learn what you like and don't like; and to get the feedback you need from others. A word of wisdom. So as not to cloud your judgement or distort your perspective, it would be advisable for you not to engage in pre-marital sex as part of relationship exploration. Don't give in to a moment's desire and ruin your chance at future happiness. As Polonius advised his son, Laertes in Shakespeare's Hamlet: “This above all, to thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." What Polonius is saying is "[be] loyal to your own best interests." Relationships fail when one party (or both) gives more or settles for less than he or she deserves; or lowers his or her personal standards for the sake of being in the relationship.
A problem arises when we enter relationships without really knowing the other person or what we want out of the relationship. Initially, we may be attracted to the obvious---good (acceptable) looks, sex, money, intelligence, sense of humor, job, potential, how we’re treated---these qualities are part of the attractiveness, but may not survive past the “glow” phase. The “glow” phase being that brief period (usually 6 to 12 months if that long) during the early stages of a relationship when both sides are on their best behavior. Through rose colored glasses, anything he or she does or says looks good. The obvious red flags are largely ignored, excused, or swept under the rug for the sake of getting along. And in the language of avoidance, "Let's move on" becomes a learned way of dealing with conflict only to have it resurface at some point in the future. Unresolved conflict poisons relationships.
When this happens, it is only a matter of time before the big reveal....that's when you find yourself in a relationship with someone you really don’t know or even worse, discover you don’t really like. Tina Turner's anthem, “What’s love got to do with it,” celebrates a kind of incidental, superficial love that lacks any hope of permanence. The song, which was a huge hit for Turner, ushered in the New Age concept of love and commitment., which differs greatly from what the Bible teaches us about love. Some relationships start out with a romantic ideal but soon the harsh realities take their toll; and the relationship begins to slowly unravel. If you are in an unhappy relationship, there is help for you. If you are now or have ever been a victim of an abusive relationship, there is help for you.
So what’s a woman or man, girl or boy to do to avoid the pitfall of relationship hell? Once again, it starts with you. Create a list of your best and worst qualities, along with a list of your likes and dislikes. Relationship expert, Dr. Neal Clark Warren, founder of EHarmony, calls them your “must haves and can’t stands.” Imagine how clear your choice of mate would be if only you decided in advance what you need and want in your relationships and what you don’t need and don’t want. Using food as an example, if you "can't stand" avocado you are unlikely to ever buy it, be attracted to it or be enticed by it. As for "must haves," if you know that milk is something you must have before going to bed each night you will make a deliberate effort to always keep it on hand.
But there are deeper, more fundamental issues that should be addressed beforehand because of their long-term consequences for the relationship. Issues such as communication, emotional maturity, compatibility, stability, work ethic, family and criminal background, and health to name a few. Add whatever else may be important to you. Write down your “must haves” and “can’t stands” under each category. Use these as a yardstick for measuring potential relationship choices. For example, if you can’t stand cigarette smoke, don’t choose someone who smokes.
Getting someone to quit an undesirable habit is a lot harder than choosing to be in relationship with someone who doesn’t have the behavior you object to. Or if you are a “feelings” kind of person and expressing feelings is a must have for you don’t choose someone who is emotionally unavailable (unable or afraid to express feelings). It will only lead to untold frustration and unhappiness for both of you. A final word of advice about your list. Establish a priority ranking of the items on your list so that most of what's important to you is at the top in the event you have to compromise on some of the lesser qualities that may not necessarily be deal breakers. Remember, you can't change anyone, but God can. In the end, relationships all come down to this,
Serenity Prayer
God grant me
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
